Memos From Fury

[Submitted by: agentwishiwasanavenger

All S.H.I.E.L.D personnel are hereby informed that attending the “S.H.I.E.L.D End of Summer Beach Bonfire” is a privilege, not a right and the entire event WILL be canceled should anyone attempt the following.

- Using Johnny Storm AKA The Human Torch as the bonfire.

- Stealing Loki’s helmet for s’mores.

- Convincing any not-culturally-up-to-date Agency individuals that the event is some sort of secret pagan ritual.

Furthermore, Mr. Stark is reminded that any and all variations of using lines about “having sand in his suit” will result in his being required to retake the ENTIRE sexual harassment course.]

[Submitted by: Michael Dennis

All agents are reminded that barbecue does not involve the use of any talents other than culinary skills.  The Human Torch is not allowed to cook hot dogs in his hands or suggest that he can warm the buns of our female employees.]

[Submitted by: liftednevermore

No one is to make any further comments about the similar appearance of Captain Rogers and Mr. Storm. It’s not funny any more, and it’s got people asking about things that are above their pay-grade aka HIGHLY CLASSIFIED.]

[Submitted by: tokidokifish

I would like to invite all agents to disregard any and all memos circulated up to this point, as I have realized I am an anal-retentive spoilsport who hates fun.

ETA: Tony Stark is banned from S.H.I.E.L.D. premises for the next two weeks, and once again it is strongly suggested that all administrative personnel change their passwords on at least a weekly basis. 

ETAA: It is further suggested that said administrative personnel avoid passwords like ‘motherfuckingstark’, as they are remarkably easy to guess.

ETAAA: Johnny Storm will be allowed and actively encouraged to call himself “The Firewall” if he uses that position to set Mr. Stark on fire.]

[Submitted by: the-master-yen-sid, musings-and-lyrics, & neitherthebeginningnortheend

Johnny Storm, AKA the Human Torch, is no longer allowed to attempt to cook Thanksgiving dinner using his powers to ‘speed up the process’. The cleaning staff is threatening to strike if they have to clean another turkey explosion from the kitchen.

Also, no matter how “fast and efficient” he claims it is, Loki is not to attempt to use the power of his staff to cook dinner for the office party EVER AGAIN. 

In fact, unless you are on the kitchen staff, you are not allowed to make ANY MORE FOOD. I don’t care if ‘you can totally cook.’ Sick Bay is full and not accepting any more food poisoning cases.]

[Submitted by: heystevejoe

Johnny Storm AKA The Human Torch will stop disabling the S.H.I.E.L.D. internet security under the premise that he is, “the only firewall we need.” In addition, his co-workers would like to ask Mr. Storm to stop referring to himself as, ‘The Firewall.’]