Posts tagged submission
Posts tagged submission
A reminder to all agents: Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone to give Deadpool glitter. The next time this happens, the offender will be trussed up and placed on Deadpool’s doorstep to do with what he wants.
Submitted by RealmMan
The Chitauri portal device is not to be used as a garbage disposal.
We have better things to do than start an interdimensional war
with whom- or whatever is on the other side because someone
was too lazy to find a trash can.
Who the hell is that white guy in the middle with the eyepatch?
Brotherly bonding notwithstanding, it is not in the best interests of the Division to have Captain America run up the flag pole to celebrate the U.S. Flag Day or Independence Day holidays.
Thor and Loki are hereby assigned to clean up after Dr. Banner’s most recent Hulk rampage. I expect to find everything repaired, in good order, and clean no later than 2200 hours today. Captain Rogers will be by to perform a white glove inspection at that time.
Whoever sent 64 paternity suit letters to Mr. Stark as a Father’s Day present needs to identify themselves to me immediately.
There will be no disciplinary action. I just need to know where to send the fruit basket.
It would seem that all the printers in the building will only print pages saying: “All work and no play makes Fury a dull boy”. IT says they can’t find anything wrong with the system. We would very much appreciate it if whichever Avenger is involved would fix it ASAP. We already have a backlog of reports that will take the better part of the holiday weekend to reprint.
I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.
This means you.
In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil.
Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.
If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.
If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.
Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence.
As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.
If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.
Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.
I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.