Memos From Fury

April Fool’s Day Memo - “The S.H.I.E.L.D Helicarrier is one of the most sophisticated military vehicles on the planet.  Any unauthorized use, especially if followed by the phrase “April Fools!”, will result in disciplinary action.

On a related note, Mr. Stark WILL be billed for the damages he caused while piloting the Helicarrier.  It was not designed to go that low over residential areas, even if it’s over a supermodel’s house.”

All agents-in-training are hereby reminded that Mr. Stark is not in charge of their training, and any “stealth exercises” he may assign them will most likely get them seriously injured. Therefore, the medical staff will no longer be accepting, “Mr. Stark said it was a good idea,” or “Mr. Stark told me to do it,” as acceptable explanations for injuries.

Furthermore, Mr. Stark is strongly encouraged to cease and desist his “stealth exercises” immediately, lest he wish to be assigned one of his own.

Finally, Agents Barton and Romanoff hereby have my permission to take any action they deem necessary against anyone who attempts to pin notes to the back of their clothing.

I would like to remind everyone that captured alien technology is not a toy, and it is imperative that the Chitauri Mind Control device be returned to R&D immediately.

Incidentally, whoever is responsible for uploading the videos of Agent Romanov clucking and pecking while wearing a chicken costume would be strongly advised to expunge all records and copies immediately.  She will find you, and even S.H.I.E.L.D.’s vast resources won’t be able to save you.

When Loki wears his ceremonial helmet, any employee who infers his resemblance to the Easter bunny does so at his or her own risk.

That said, I would ask Loki to please turn the basket of eggs in my office back into Agent Wilson.

Thor and Loki are hereby informed that their presentation on the appropriation of pagan fertility symbols into modern holidays – while informative - was ill-timed.  Easter is always on a Sunday; there is no need for this sh*t to take place during business hours.

Submitted by RealmMan

Regarding Mr. Stark’s proposed St. Patrick’s Day celebration:


The short answer is, “No.”


The long answer is, “Hell, no.”

The House Keeping Department would like to remind all staff to stop sending them “gummed up” wash cloths and any other questionably soiled linens. 

They WILL find you.

There is no one who will not understand you if you use modern English. If you call anyone a “hep cat” in an incident report, you will be asked to rewrite it.

I don’t care how good-looking your date is, or how important the occasion. You may not have the keys to the helicarrier.

Re: yesterday’s “unpleasantness”:

Lt. Col. Rhodes - I am disappointed, Colonel.  I expected better from you. 

Mr. Stark - I did not expect better from you.  However, I am still f***ing pissed.

Capt. Rogers - You tried.  Next time, try harder.