Memos From Fury

[Submitted by: nottheworstthing

The next person caught telling junior agents that Stark is a “semi-reformed supervillain” will be liable for any medical expenses that ensue.]

[Submitted by: notanightlight

Misters Stark and Banner are reminded that although we have allowed them personal use of one of the helicarrier labs, this does not make it their “Super Secret Fort of Science.”  It is not improved by pillow structures.  Your IQ does not have to be over 140 points to enter.  And it has no secret password.

Aside from the S.H.I.E.L.D. issued one.]

[Submited by: harryhadouken

Reports of Agent Coulson’s death were exaggerated for the purposes of a “team-building exercise” for the Avengers Initiative. As such, all speculations about Agent Coulson being a clone/zombie/robot/alternate-universe-duplicate/whatever must cease immediately. He’s fine

Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner are asked to stop taking tissue samples for the purposes of testing for clone degeneration or synthetic skin. It wasn’t funny the first time.]

[Submitted by: NezumiPi

Hello, new recruits of S.H.I.E.L.D.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to our organization and remind you of the awesome responsibility you are about to undertake.  In addition, I would like to clarify a few misconceptions which you may have heard about from senior staff:

• The Helicarrier is not sentient and it is unnecessary to thank it profusely every time a door opens or closes, nor does it need to be regularly “scratched behind the ears”.
• Unicycles are not an acceptable mode of employee transportation.  No exceptions, not even for Agent Barton.
• While Mr. Stark is a valued contractor, he has not ever been granted the title of Supreme Allied Commander and if he wants to retain the title of “mister” he will stop signing his emails that way.
• There is no such title as Burrito Supreme Allied Commander and I swear to god, Stark, if you ever hack into my email again while I’m using it, I will shove a boot so far up your ass you’ll be spitting out shoelaces.]

[Submitted by: Claire

All S.H.I.E.L.D personnel are reminded that under no circumstances is “doesn’t matter, had sex” an appropriate response to an official reprimand.]

[Submitted by: tokidokifish

Mr. Stark will either take down the edition of Villain Hot-or-Not he is hosting on SHIELD servers, or he can be the one to deal with the next time the Sinister Six drop by because they haven’t beaten out the Green Goblin yet.]

[Submitted by: cdanvers

For the record, there will never be a time when ‘But Stark said it was all right’ is a viable excuse. S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents have all graduated elementary school and should damn well know better than that.]

[Submitted by: maevebran

Agent Romanoff is to be reminded that her fellow Avengers are considered by the general public to be heroes, and are not ingredients for Boy Soup. No matter how ‘tasty’ she may find them.]

[Submitted by: Oryx

We still shake hands in 2012. Whoever has been teaching Capt. Rogers modern social conduct is asked to do it properly. Convincing him that it is socially required to slap someone’s backside as a form of greeting is, shockingly, inappropriate.

On a related note, due to the increased number of sexual harassment complaints, there will be a mandatory meeting dedicated to appropriate behavior in the work place. Capt. Rogers is required to attend.]

[Submitted by: Freaking Madagascar

Hiring “exotic dancers” with SHIELD’s money and/or during work hours is forbidden. I don’t care how “exotic” they claim to be; hiring them is not an acceptable means of “increasing diversity in the workplace.”]