Memos From Fury

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.

This means you. 

Loki.

In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil. 

Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Let it be known that S.H.I.E.L.D. Command does not condone the actions of last Saturday evening. 

While the Director appreciates that members of the Avengers Initiative, wished to help him celebrate his birthday, we cannot condone the waste of manpower, and time that was required to remove the Director’s personal fighter from the ceiling of the landing bay.

We appreciate that Alaska is considered the duct-tape capital of the world, but several manufacturers are now scrambling to cover the sudden surge of orders in the state, thanks to this prank. 

While we are sure that State of Alaska appreciates the sudden influx of S.H.I.E.L.D. funds and personnel, we have assured them that nothing like this will ever be allowed to happen again.

If Mr Stark has any questions on this matter, he should be refered directly to Directory Fury’s office.We have been assured that Director Fury has been taking the anti-psychotics that were prescribed by Doctor Banner, and that the green tinge to his skin is a normal side-effect of this treatment.

Loki is reminded that the Chitauri sceptre no longer belongs to him, and that it should be returned immediately.

He is also obligated to return agent Barton to his former, uncompromised state once more. We can only rely on agent Romanoff’s violence for so long.

Loki is reminded that agent Barton answers to me, and only me, no matter how much you “Miss your little Hawk”.

Thor and Loki are hereby informed that their presentation on the appropriation of pagan fertility symbols into modern holidays – while informative - was ill-timed.  Easter is always on a Sunday; there is no need for this sh*t to take place during business hours.

Submitted by RealmMan

Regarding Mr. Stark’s proposed St. Patrick’s Day celebration:


The short answer is, “No.”


The long answer is, “Hell, no.”

The House Keeping Department would like to remind all staff to stop sending them “gummed up” wash cloths and any other questionably soiled linens. 

They WILL find you.

I don’t care how good-looking your date is, or how important the occasion. You may not have the keys to the helicarrier.

Re: yesterday’s “unpleasantness”:

Lt. Col. Rhodes - I am disappointed, Colonel.  I expected better from you. 

Mr. Stark - I did not expect better from you.  However, I am still f***ing pissed.

Capt. Rogers - You tried.  Next time, try harder.