Memos From Fury

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[Submitted by: thelookingglasschild

I would like to dispel rumors that I am “a spoilsport who can’t take a joke.” The next person to paint a skull and crossbones on my eyepatch, or make a pirate joke, or even reference pirates in my general vicinity will find that I can good-naturedly play along and make my crewmembers walk the plank.

Off the side of the Helicarrier.]

[Submitted by: comics0026

In the event that Dr. Banner suffers a Wardrobe Malfunction while “Hulking Out,” personnel are reminded that taking a picture of said Malfunction (even if it’s for “official personnel use”) is strictly prohibited as a violation of Dr. Banner’s privacy.

S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel are also warned that Dr. Banner WILL find out about any such photos, as Loki greatly enjoys watching the Hulk “beat the crap out of OTHER people.”]

[Submitted by: notanightlight

The next agent who writes “YOLO” on their incident report will be responsible for digitally archiving ALL of the S.H.I.E.L.D. incident reports that have been filed since 1963.

Any wise guys who use the phrase after this will be involuntarily volunteering their time to help with this task.

Don’t expect to see field work for another three years.]

[Submitted by: Firestorm17

All personnel who make crude comments regarding Dr. Foster being “probed by an alien” will be required to repeat them within earshot of Thor.]

[Submitted by: heavilyparaphrased

Doctors Banner, Ross, Foster, and Pym are reminded that there is no need to “double check” anything tested on Mythbusters, especially not during work hours.

Also, since several people have asked: there are currently no plans for S.H.I.E.L.D. to team up with the Mythbusters. Mr. Stark is making his own arrangements, so any further inquiries should be directed towards him.]

[Submitted by: Watashi Name

All personnel are advised that your time on the Helicarrier does not count towards your frequent flyer mile programs. This is especially relevant to any agents who utilize flight in some way other than the Helicarrier or auxiliary support craft.]

[Submitted by: thingsyourarelyhearthequeensay

It has come to my attention that someone has replaced the pressure sensitive touch pads on Mr. Parker’s web shooters with plastic ‘squeaker’ toys three times this month. This is both unprofessional and potentially endangers the lives of Mr. Parker and those who work with him.

An investigation has been launched to determine the culprit. In the meantime, Mr. Stark has been ordered to knock it off, on general principle.]

[Submitted by: stuffertystuffstuff

Maria Hill wants it to be acknowledged that Agent Coulson’s “death” was traumatic for everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D and that grief affects everyone differently. As such, all S.H.I.E.L.D personnel are to stop performing dramatic reenactments of her reaction to the news. Immediately. 

No matter how hilarious and accurate they are.]

[Submitted by: memoriumactivity

Mr. Stark does not need to preface his donning of the Iron Man suit with any of the following phrases: “Henshin,” “Moon Prism Power,” “Ninja Storm, Ranger Form,” “By the Power of Grayskull,” “Maximize,” “Shazam,” or “Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats, hooooo!”

He will cease all such utterings immediately.]