[Whether or not they think he might be listening at the time, the next person to refer to Loki as a Grinch will be responsible for dealing with the city’s worth of children that have had their Christmas stolen.]

[Submitted by: Gayle

Regarding the upcoming Halloween party, Loki is to be reminded that bobbing for apples is a time-honored tradition that does not require modification.  Specifically, the apples do not need a “sporting chance” and should not be enchanted to bite back.]

[Submitted by: grimsister21

Agent Wilson is not allowed to make a life sized piñata of me for the office Halloween party. Also, Loki and Mr. Stark are not allowed to help him record me, make said piñata sound like me, animate the piñata, and so on. 

If something like this will happens, I WILL use the three of them as my own piñatas.]

[Submitted by: John R. McFerren 

After several instances of Drunk Science, we are prohibiting the viewing of all episodes of Mythbusters involving alcohol until further notice. Anyone caught viewing an episode of Mythbusters while imbibing alcohol during this prohibition will be given Loki-sitting duty for a month.]

[Submitted by: Firestorm17 

All employees are to refrain from encouraging Loki to shift into non-humanoid forms.

Any shape that can be described as “tentacled,” “squamous,” “rugose,” and/or “eldritch” should be particularly discouraged.

On a related note, the biology department would like to meet with Thor in order to clarify the nature of several Asgardian lifeforms, particularly the one referred to as a “goat,” as there seems to have been at least one misunderstanding.]

[Submitted by: MeddlesomeCat

Regarding the incident last year, Loki is to please refrain from reenacting Sleepy Hollow, Friday the 13th, Halloween, or any other horror movies he might happen to have seen in last year. And on that note, magical ‘enhancements’ to haunted houses ARE NOT appreciated.]

[Submitted by: thegirlinthebyakko

This is a reminder to all staff that the annual fire drill is coming up. In order to avoid a repeat of last year’s fiasco we would remind all agents to familiarize themselves with the proper protocol for emergency evacuation. This means quietly exiting the building,  and reporting to your superiors for check in.

Loki is asked to please refrain from actually setting the building on fire.]

[Submitted by: heavilyparaphrased

Tech Services is working on the calendar issue. In the meantime, anything scheduled for “Lokisday” will be taking place on the corresponding Thursday.

Nice try, though.]

[Submitted by: comics0026

In the event that Dr. Banner suffers a Wardrobe Malfunction while “Hulking Out,” personnel are reminded that taking a picture of said Malfunction (even if it’s for “official personnel use”) is strictly prohibited as a violation of Dr. Banner’s privacy.

S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel are also warned that Dr. Banner WILL find out about any such photos, as Loki greatly enjoys watching the Hulk “beat the crap out of OTHER people.”]