Posts tagged loki
Posts tagged loki
All personnel are reminded that no one in their right mind volunteers for Loki-sitting duty unless they have ulterior motives. If you are approached by an agent offering to “give you a rest”, DO NOT ACCEPT. This makes three times that his lady friend Sigyn has helped him escape that way. “She seemed legit” is not an acceptable excuse.
If it happens again, the agent responsible will not only get your Loki-sitting time doubled, we will also tell him that you made fun of Sigyn. SHIELD’s insurance plan will not cover whatever happens to you after that.
The agents that decided it would be a good idea to let Loki watch “Groundhog Day” will be assigned turbine cleaning duties for the next month, starting today. Given that we’re all repeating today seemingly without end, that should give you plenty of time to come to a full understanding of exactly why this was a bad idea.
Submitted by RealmMan
Everyone is invited to meet Agent Coulson’s new team on Tuesday, September 24 at 2100 hours EST.
Attendance isn’t mandatory, but I must point out that Loki-sitting duty for the rest of the year has not yet been assigned.
See you there.
Brotherly bonding notwithstanding, it is not in the best interests of the Division to have Captain America run up the flag pole to celebrate the U.S. Flag Day or Independence Day holidays.
Thor and Loki are hereby assigned to clean up after Dr. Banner’s most recent Hulk rampage. I expect to find everything repaired, in good order, and clean no later than 2200 hours today. Captain Rogers will be by to perform a white glove inspection at that time.
I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.
This means you.
In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil.
Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.
If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.
If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.
Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence.
As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.
If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.
Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.
I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.
Loki and Ms. Lewis are to cease using the PA system to blast “Slytherin Night" under the pretense of expressing their house pride. They are also to stop trying to convince the junior agents to emulate the song lyrics. Encouraging them is detrimental to productivity and general mental health.
Loki is reminded that the Chitauri sceptre no longer belongs to him, and that it should be returned immediately.
He is also obligated to return agent Barton to his former, uncompromised state once more. We can only rely on agent Romanoff’s violence for so long.
Loki is reminded that agent Barton answers to me, and only me, no matter how much you “Miss your little Hawk”.