Memos From Fury

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.

I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.

Loki and Ms. Lewis are to cease using the PA system to blast “Slytherin Night” under the pretense of expressing their house pride. They are also to stop trying to convince the junior agents to emulate the song lyrics. Encouraging them is detrimental to productivity and general mental health.

Loki is reminded that the Chitauri sceptre no longer belongs to him, and that it should be returned immediately.

He is also obligated to return agent Barton to his former, uncompromised state once more. We can only rely on agent Romanoff’s violence for so long.

Loki is reminded that agent Barton answers to me, and only me, no matter how much you “Miss your little Hawk”.

When Loki wears his ceremonial helmet, any employee who infers his resemblance to the Easter bunny does so at his or her own risk.

That said, I would ask Loki to please turn the basket of eggs in my office back into Agent Wilson.

Thor and Loki are hereby informed that their presentation on the appropriation of pagan fertility symbols into modern holidays – while informative - was ill-timed.  Easter is always on a Sunday; there is no need for this sh*t to take place during business hours.

We WILL find out who convinced Loki to magically transform the agent on Deadpool-sitting duty into a giant chimichanga. 

[Submitted by: Erik Jackson

Mr. Stark has recently suffered a curse from Loki that has rendered him incapable of any speech or movement.  He is currently resting in the third room of the infirmary.  Thank you notes to Loki can be sent to his quarters.]

It is the stated objective of S.H.I.E.L.D to protect the nations and people from all threats terestial or extraterrestrial.

Diverting the Helicarrier to rescue a kitten is not a threat to a nation or more than a few families.  No matter how many times Loki says you have permission.

Failure to follow this directive will result in a deduction from any Agent’s pay who issues or assists with said order to pay for the temp worker to straighten out civil flight plans.