Memos From Fury

[Submitted by: nottheworstthing

The next person caught telling junior agents that Stark is a “semi-reformed supervillain” will be liable for any medical expenses that ensue.]

[Submitted by: notanightlight

Misters Stark and Banner are reminded that although we have allowed them personal use of one of the helicarrier labs, this does not make it their “Super Secret Fort of Science.”  It is not improved by pillow structures.  Your IQ does not have to be over 140 points to enter.  And it has no secret password.

Aside from the S.H.I.E.L.D. issued one.]

[Submited by: harryhadouken

Reports of Agent Coulson’s death were exaggerated for the purposes of a “team-building exercise” for the Avengers Initiative. As such, all speculations about Agent Coulson being a clone/zombie/robot/alternate-universe-duplicate/whatever must cease immediately. He’s fine

Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner are asked to stop taking tissue samples for the purposes of testing for clone degeneration or synthetic skin. It wasn’t funny the first time.]

[Submitted by: NezumiPi

Hello, new recruits of S.H.I.E.L.D.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to our organization and remind you of the awesome responsibility you are about to undertake.  In addition, I would like to clarify a few misconceptions which you may have heard about from senior staff:

• The Helicarrier is not sentient and it is unnecessary to thank it profusely every time a door opens or closes, nor does it need to be regularly “scratched behind the ears”.
• Unicycles are not an acceptable mode of employee transportation.  No exceptions, not even for Agent Barton.
• While Mr. Stark is a valued contractor, he has not ever been granted the title of Supreme Allied Commander and if he wants to retain the title of “mister” he will stop signing his emails that way.
• There is no such title as Burrito Supreme Allied Commander and I swear to god, Stark, if you ever hack into my email again while I’m using it, I will shove a boot so far up your ass you’ll be spitting out shoelaces.]

[Submitted by: tokidokifish

Mr. Stark will either take down the edition of Villain Hot-or-Not he is hosting on SHIELD servers, or he can be the one to deal with the next time the Sinister Six drop by because they haven’t beaten out the Green Goblin yet.]

[Submitted by: cdanvers

For the record, there will never be a time when ‘But Stark said it was all right’ is a viable excuse. S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents have all graduated elementary school and should damn well know better than that.]

[Submitted by: Lisle Pryde 

Agents are reminded that they are to wear only standard, SHIELD-approved attire on missions. Any and all modifications must be cleared with a senior agent at least twelve hours in advance, including: lowering of necklines, raising of hemlines, and the addition of skirts, high heels, AND/OR FLAMES.

On a related note, Agent Stark is reminded that his code-name is “Iron Man,” NOT“The Man Who Was On Fire.”]

[Submitted by: Oryx

Dr. Banner is reminded that he has been given his own work space to conduct his scientific endeavors and that the cleaning staff are tired of washing his equations off the windows and every other glass surface in this building.

Mr. Stark is also reminded that he too has his own space to work and that if he insists on tampering with Dr. Banner’s work ‘for giggles’ he will be billed for any damages sustained to this building when said doctor Hulks out.]

Agent Stark would like to remind Captain Rogers that:

1. Agent Stark currently maintains a controlling interest of 78.5% of swear jar shares, and has entered into negotiations for the remaining 21.5%. All swear jar collections have been suspending pending completion of the deal, as per last Thursday’s board meeting,

2. Captain Rogers was both present for, and the direct cause of, most of the swearing in question, and was sure as [CONTENT DELETED] not complaining at the time.]

[Submitted by: gal-dente

Capt. Rogers would like to remind Agent Stark that he owes 43 dollars to the swear jar.]