Memos From Fury

[Submitted by: insolentwitch

It has become apparent that I must make an addendum to the previous memo about not accepting candy from R&D. I knew you had needed the warning about refusing candy from mild, sweet, seemingly innocent Dr. Banner. I didn’t think you would actually have to be warned about the Hulk.

So let me be clear: DO NOT ACCEPT CANDY FROM THE HULK. No, not even if he eats some himself. Especially if he looks innocent while saying, “Hulk just want friends. Why no one want to take Hulk’s candy and be friends?” Anyone else who falls for this will be paying their own medical bills. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Health Plan doesn’t cover flagrant acts of dumbassery.]

[Submitted by: grimsister21

Agent Wilson is not allowed to make a life sized piñata of me for the office Halloween party. Also, Loki and Mr. Stark are not allowed to help him record me, make said piñata sound like me, animate the piñata, and so on. 

If something like this will happens, I WILL use the three of them as my own piñatas.]

[Submitted by: notanightlight

Do NOT accept any candy from the R&D department this Halloween.  They have been having a hard time getting volunteer test subjects recently and are not above playing dirty.

Please keep this in mind, even if Dr. Banner approaches you in his mild-mannered, soft-spoken, earnestly-shy, non-threatening way.  You should know better by now, people.]

[Submitted by: cursormortis

All personnel are reminded that S.H.I.E.L.D. will not be held responsible for any injuries incurred at this year’s Halloween party. This goes double for anyone who feels the need to dress like Jar-Jar Binks after last year’s incident.

Agent Wilson is hereby reminded that weapons will not be allowed at the party.]

[Submitted by: Jayn_Newell

While I appreciate people wanting to get into the spirit of the season, I must remind everyone that Halloween decorations are never permitted on the OUTSIDE of the Helicarrier, as it interferes with our camouflage. This extends to any ‘alternate disguises,’ such as the flying saucer idea several people have inquired about.]

[Submitted by: Firestorm17 

All employees are to refrain from encouraging Loki to shift into non-humanoid forms.

Any shape that can be described as “tentacled,” “squamous,” “rugose,” and/or “eldritch” should be particularly discouraged.

On a related note, the biology department would like to meet with Thor in order to clarify the nature of several Asgardian lifeforms, particularly the one referred to as a “goat,” as there seems to have been at least one misunderstanding.]

[Submitted by: MeddlesomeCat

Regarding the incident last year, Loki is to please refrain from reenacting Sleepy Hollow, Friday the 13th, Halloween, or any other horror movies he might happen to have seen in last year. And on that note, magical ‘enhancements’ to haunted houses ARE NOT appreciated.]

[Submitted by: heavilyparaphrased

The Second Annual S.H.I.E.L.D. Halloween Party and Costume Contest will be taking place on October 27th, 2012 at Avengers Tower, beginning at 2100 hours. Assistant Director Hill, Agent Coulson, and I will be judging the costume contest. This year, all eligible costumes must include proper coverage, as anyone who flashes any of the judges, deliberately or inadvertently, will be automatically disqualified.]

Submitted by: hideyourfire

Mr. Stark is to acknowledge in advance that the Iron Man suit is NOT an appropriate Halloween costume, no matter how much ‘party potential’ it may possess.

[There will be no shape-shifting allowed at this year’s office Halloween Party.]