Memos From Fury

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

When Loki wears his ceremonial helmet, any employee who infers his resemblance to the Easter bunny does so at his or her own risk.

That said, I would ask Loki to please turn the basket of eggs in my office back into Agent Wilson.

We WILL find out who convinced Loki to magically transform the agent on Deadpool-sitting duty into a giant chimichanga. 

Just a reminder that this is happening this Wednesday! I’d love to see some of you guys there!

[Submitted by: grimsister21

Agent Wilson is not allowed to make a life sized piñata of me for the office Halloween party. Also, Loki and Mr. Stark are not allowed to help him record me, make said piñata sound like me, animate the piñata, and so on. 

If something like this will happens, I WILL use the three of them as my own piñatas.]

[Submitted by: cursormortis

All personnel are reminded that S.H.I.E.L.D. will not be held responsible for any injuries incurred at this year’s Halloween party. This goes double for anyone who feels the need to dress like Jar-Jar Binks after last year’s incident.

Agent Wilson is hereby reminded that weapons will not be allowed at the party.]

My store is having a signing! Come check it out!

[Submitted by: Michael

All personnel are hereby reminded that they are not required to model Ms. Van Dyne’s fashions for her.

In addition, Agent Wilson is hereby forbidden from doing so under any circumstances.]