Memos From Fury

From the Desk of the Director

Posts tagged deadpool

398 notes

1. Agent Deadpool is never allowed outside the confines of The Fridge without express written consent of the Director and while accompanied by two senior agents.2. Using Agent Fitz’s remote drones to capture personal footage is against S.H.I.E.L.D. policy3. Leaking said the above footage of Agent Deadpool in action is both troublesome and problematic.
Your former coworkers who participated in Items 1,2, and 3 announce their unexpected permanent reassignment to The Fridge for “Special Chaperon for Special Prisoners” program. All their expenses are paid for as their salaries have been garnished until the restitution to the residents of Miami has been fulfilled.

1. Agent Deadpool is never allowed outside the confines of The Fridge without express written consent of the Director and while accompanied by two senior agents.
2. Using Agent Fitz’s remote drones to capture personal footage is against S.H.I.E.L.D. policy
3. Leaking said the above footage of Agent Deadpool in action is both troublesome and problematic.

Your former coworkers who participated in Items 1,2, and 3 announce their unexpected permanent reassignment to The Fridge for “Special Chaperon for Special Prisoners” program. All their expenses are paid for as their salaries have been garnished until the restitution to the residents of Miami has been fulfilled.

Filed under submission agent coulson deadpool

430 notes

A reminder to all agents:  Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone to give Deadpool glitter.  The next time this happens, the offender will be trussed up and placed on Deadpool’s doorstep to do with what he wants.

A reminder to all agents:  Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone to give Deadpool glitter.  The next time this happens, the offender will be trussed up and placed on Deadpool’s doorstep to do with what he wants.

Filed under deadpool submission s.h.i.e.l.d.

543 notes

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.
This means you. 
Loki.
In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil. 
Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.

This means you. 

Loki.

In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil. 

Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.

Filed under submission nick fury deadpool loki

305 notes

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

Filed under submission nick fury deadpool loki

225 notes

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Filed under submission nick fury iron man deadpool loki

930 notes

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

Filed under submission deadpool

389 notes

When Loki wears his ceremonial helmet, any employee who infers his resemblance to the Easter bunny does so at his or her own risk. That said, I would ask Loki to please turn the basket of eggs in my office back into Agent Wilson.

When Loki wears his ceremonial helmet, any employee who infers his resemblance to the Easter bunny does so at his or her own risk.

That said, I would ask Loki to please turn the basket of eggs in my office back into Agent Wilson.

Filed under submission deadpool loki

382 notes

[Submitted by: grimsister21
Agent Wilson is not allowed to make a life sized piñata of me for the office Halloween party. Also, Loki and Mr. Stark are not allowed to help him record me, make said piñata sound like me, animate the piñata, and so on. 
If something like this will happens, I WILL use the three of them as my own piñatas.]

[Submitted by: grimsister21

Agent Wilson is not allowed to make a life sized piñata of me for the office Halloween party. Also, Loki and Mr. Stark are not allowed to help him record me, make said piñata sound like me, animate the piñata, and so on. 

If something like this will happens, I WILL use the three of them as my own piñatas.]

Filed under deadpool iron man loki nick fury halloween submission