Memos From Fury

Re: yesterday’s “unpleasantness”:

Lt. Col. Rhodes - I am disappointed, Colonel.  I expected better from you. 

Mr. Stark - I did not expect better from you.  However, I am still f***ing pissed.

Capt. Rogers - You tried.  Next time, try harder.

[Submitted by: thecomposerofshibuya

The S.H.I.E.L.D. talent show will take place this coming Tuesday at 8:00 P.M. sharp. All metahumans are advised that talents, in this case, do not include those you use to save lives on a daily basis. 

In addition, all ventriloquism is banned after last year’s incident with Mr. Stark and the Captain America puppet.]

[Submitted by: CathrineRose

All agents are reminded that, while SHIELD is not the army, any action/item/activity inspired by “Skippy’s List” should be considered forbidden.

This means that you are not to:

• Consider it a “bucket list”, “to do list,” or any other form of plan.

• Inform Thor or Captain America that it is a list of tasks to be completed to join any club, society, “brotherhood of warriors” or any other organization.
• Inform recruits that it must be completed to join SHIELD.
• Suggest to other agencies that any item is encouraged in SHIELD.]

[Submitted by: goblinkinginthetardis

An “All-Avengers Bohemian Rhapsody Sing-a-Long” will not be happening. It is not a bonding exercise, nor an effective use of time or resources. 

 
I don’t care if Capt. Rogers can sing the high “Galileo” when you pinch him the right way.]

[Submitted by: madmaudlingoes

All S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel are reminded that Capt. Rogers and Thor Odinson have received extensive training in personal computing skills, including all the software in use on agency-owned machines and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. They do not need your help to complete any of our electronic forms, no matter what vague or unsettling comments they may make about “tubes,” “runes,” “speaking lights,” “radio-vision,” “Internets,” or “cup holders.” Please do not aid or abet them.]

[Submitted by: sarisarahe

All agents are reminded that while offsite meals may on be expensed as work-related if proper documentation is provided, excursions to all-you-can-eat buffets involving Captain Rogers and Thor do not fall into that category.

Mr. Stark and Agent Barton are advised to cease submitting requests to that effect, as I have seen the YouTube video.]

[Submitted by: Arenal

Pop culture trivia contests between Thor Odinson and Capt. Rogers are banned, as they are physically painful to watch.]

[Submitted by: williamthebloody

Despite the possible PR value, there are no plans to produce ‘Captain America Authentic Steve Rogers Flavored Capsicles.’  Please stop contacting manufacturers.

In addition, I have been very reliably informed that Mr. Stark’s suggestion as to what the ‘authentic flavoring’ could entail contravenes several laws.

Agent Hill has also asked me to point out to Mr. Stark that, despite his assertions, she does know “exactly to what he refers.”]

[Submitted by: four-eyes-and-two-hearts

All S.H.I.E.L.D. employees are advised to stop asking Captain America how he’s handling working with a Russian. Capt. Rogers slept through the Cold War. Anyone continuing to make this mistake will be enrolled in mandatory remedial world history classes.]

[Submitted by: comics0026

Dr. McCoy and Agent Romanoff are being placed in charge of teaching Capt. Rogers and Thor about various modern technologies and the related security protocols.

Mr. Stark and Agent Barton have been relieved of this duty, due to their use of inappropriate visual aids, “hands on” demonstrations, and having Deadpool and Loki “assist” them, all of which they were expressly forbidden from doing.]