Memos From Fury

All agents-in-training are hereby reminded that Mr. Stark is not in charge of their training, and any “stealth exercises” he may assign them will most likely get them seriously injured. Therefore, the medical staff will no longer be accepting, “Mr. Stark said it was a good idea,” or “Mr. Stark told me to do it,” as acceptable explanations for injuries.

Furthermore, Mr. Stark is strongly encouraged to cease and desist his “stealth exercises” immediately, lest he wish to be assigned one of his own.

Finally, Agents Barton and Romanoff hereby have my permission to take any action they deem necessary against anyone who attempts to pin notes to the back of their clothing.

I would like to remind everyone that captured alien technology is not a toy, and it is imperative that the Chitauri Mind Control device be returned to R&D immediately.

Incidentally, whoever is responsible for uploading the videos of Agent Romanov clucking and pecking while wearing a chicken costume would be strongly advised to expunge all records and copies immediately.  She will find you, and even S.H.I.E.L.D.’s vast resources won’t be able to save you.

[Submitted by: Aerowyn 

It is not recommended to come in dressed as your favorite office couple (or possible couple) because it’s “cute” and you “totally ship it.” Especially if said couple is on the Avengers team. 

Especially if you come in costume as two certain assassins.]

S.H.I.E.L.D. prides itself on being a world class intelligence agency, and as such expects a certain level of professionalism in it’s facilities.

Whomever installed the new voice pack to the verbal command system should uninstall it immediately.  Several of the trainee agents have had to report to medical facilities for excessive “turgidness” from their interactions with the computer.

Agent Romanov has yet to interact with the computer, but is scheduled to come on duty in a few hours.  For your sake Mr Stark I pray that you remove the software before that point. HR informed me that you failed your recent Sexual Harassment refresher, and I’d hate to have to revoke more privileges from you.

[Submitted by: thegirlinthebyakko

Agents Romanoff and Barton are hereby informed that I’m well aware of the little bet between them and that ‘who can scare the shit out of the most Helicarrier staff in a month’ is not an appropriate use of their time. The counselling office is full, there are three people crying in my office, and Agent Hill is starting to develop that nervous twitch in her left eye again.]

[Submitted by: dandelion-inthe-wind

Agent Romanoff ought to be reminded that, when a minor who is not in the Young Avengers or Avengers Academy program asks if she “has only killed bad guys,” the correct answer is ALWAYS “Yes.” 

She is now required to read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People: Children’s Edition.”]

[Submitted by: vlyandra

All personnel are hereby reminded that betting Agent Romanoff that she can not make a given item into a weapon is considered to be a serious rookie mistake, and that S.H.I.E.L.D. is not responsible for medical costs incurred during this challenge. Also, you must still pay Agent Romanoff. She will collect her debts.]

[Submitted by: thehasteur

It has been brought to my attention that one or more agents have smuggled multiple copies of the games “Apples to Apples” and “Cards Against Humanity” aboard the Helicarrier.

1. It is never appropriate to create custom cards referencing any agent

2. Any card that is capable of making Agent Romanoff blush is inappropriate for play at S.H.I.E.L.D. facilities.]

gingerhaze:

Master assassins on a top-secret mission

((Not a memo, but I had to reblog.))

[Submitted by: four-eyes-and-two-hearts

All S.H.I.E.L.D. employees are advised to stop asking Captain America how he’s handling working with a Russian. Capt. Rogers slept through the Cold War. Anyone continuing to make this mistake will be enrolled in mandatory remedial world history classes.]