Memos From Fury

Agents are to refrain from asking Agent van Dyne about her ex-husband’s research regarding “pimp articles.”

Additionally, effective immediately, S.H.I.E.L.D. medical facilities will no longer provide first aid treatment for “wasp stings.”  Deal with it on your own dime, people.

[Submitted by: eager-love-revenge

All agents are to address Henry Pym and Bruce Banner as “Dr. Pym” and “Dr. Banner” respectively, regardless of the number of post-graduate degrees between them.

On a related note, under no circumstances should Mr. Stark be addressed as “Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Stark”, despite his insistence.]

[Submitted by: PirateDevon

This is a note to all science and engineering teams that coating slinkies with Dr. Pym’s “Pym Particles” or Dr. Richards’ “Unstable Molecules” and ‘racing’ them down the central command deck stairwell is neither good science nor appropriate behavior.]

[Submitted by: heavilyparaphrased

Doctors Banner, Ross, Foster, and Pym are reminded that there is no need to “double check” anything tested on Mythbusters, especially not during work hours.

Also, since several people have asked: there are currently no plans for S.H.I.E.L.D. to team up with the Mythbusters. Mr. Stark is making his own arrangements, so any further inquiries should be directed towards him.]

[Submitted by: heavilyparaphrased

At the request of the kitchen staff, Dr. Hank Pym is no longer permitted within 15 feet of any food preparation area.]

[Submitted by: iseulttoinjury

The second attempt to hold the Annual S.H.I.E.L.D. Barbecue and Picnic will be this first Saturday in August.

Dr. Hank Pym apologizes profusely for the chaos he caused at the first event. He has promised not to drink anything alcoholic this time, especially Thor’s mead.

A Reminder: Only Asgardians are allowed to consume Asgardian mead.

Not even “for science,” Stark.]

[Submitted by: themagicmelodicmask

All agents are asked to watch where they step until further notice. There has been an accident regarding Dr. Pym’s shrinking experiments resulting in the miniaturization of two of his assistants.]

[Submitted by: NezumiPi 

With regard to the Valentine’s Day holiday, S.H.I.E.L.D. would like to remind all agents that greeting cards, stuffed animals, floral arrangements, and chocolates are considered appropriate Valentine’s Day gifts in the workplace.  

The following are not considered appropriate: radioactive tracers, syphilis, surveillance photos, or anything that could be described as “anatomically correct”.

Also, someone needs to tell Hank Pym that a thousand ants walking around in the shape of a heart is not romantic.  It’s fucking disgusting and if I see it again, I will break out the Raid.]

[Submitted by: freeskywarp

Dr. Hank Pym must decide on one superhero identity and one identity only. He can no longer change code names, especially not in the middle of a battle.]

[Submitted by: Derek Metaltron 

Can someone please get Agent O’Grady to understand that the Ant Man armor and Pym Particle technology has not been designed to ‘Check Out Super Hot Heroines In The Showers’? Agent Danvers is particularly keen to stress this although I am doing so in a less physically painful manner than she wishes to.]