Memos From Fury

[Anyone who attempts to spike the SHIELD Holiday party punch in an attempt to see “Marcus and Cheese drunkenly reminisce about their Ranger days: part two,” will be severely punished. They will also be severely disappointed. What happened during the Thanksgiving dinner was the result of a magic spell, not a result of alcohol.

Both Agent Coulson and I are in fact both very mean drunks. You have been warned.]

[Submitted by: dedicatedfollower467 

Agent Coulson is not going to “take you over his knee and spank you.”

The sexual harassment seminar is now thirty-six hours long. You have been warned.]

[Submitted by: heavilyparaphrased

The Second Annual S.H.I.E.L.D. Halloween Party and Costume Contest will be taking place on October 27th, 2012 at Avengers Tower, beginning at 2100 hours. Assistant Director Hill, Agent Coulson, and I will be judging the costume contest. This year, all eligible costumes must include proper coverage, as anyone who flashes any of the judges, deliberately or inadvertently, will be automatically disqualified.]

[Submitted by: tempestinateakettle

Agent Coulson is reminded that, as amusing as it may be, he can not continue to taze Mr. Stark whenever he’s being annoying. If he was tazed every time he was annoying, he would have brain damage. And unfortunately, S.H.I.E.L.D does need his brain intact.]

[Submitted by: notanightlight

What an agent does in their spare time is their business.  Any such hobbies are permissible, as long as they do not interfere with S.H.I.E.L.D. work.

This being said, Agent Coulson’s ‘theatrical’ hobby is not to be discussed during work hours.  Other agents are to immediately stop speaking to him in Shakespearean prose, submitting paperwork to him written in iambic pentameter, and leaving skulls, tights, ruffs, etc. on his desk.

If you would like to encourage him, an official S.H.I.E.L.D. field trip will be attending the Saturday performance of “Much Ado About Nothing.”  Tickets are $8.50 per person. Please sign up in the break room.]

[Submitted by: Jojo

Agent Coulson has requested that agents and consultants please refrain from using slang and/or words not recognized by Merriam-Webster in official S.H.I.E.L.D. documents. Your reports do not need “jazzing up,” nor is any situation legitimately “Starktastic.”]

[Submitted by: antonomasia09

It is not acceptable to replace Agent Coulson’s suits with Hawaiian shirts and grass skirts. If his clothing is not returned by the end of the day in perfect condition, be advised that he has been authorized to deal with the situation as he sees fit, and that Agents Barton and Romanoff have also requested an opportunity to confront the perpetrator(s).]

[Submitted by: stuffertystuffstuff

Maria Hill wants it to be acknowledged that Agent Coulson’s “death” was traumatic for everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D and that grief affects everyone differently. As such, all S.H.I.E.L.D personnel are to stop performing dramatic reenactments of her reaction to the news. Immediately. 

No matter how hilarious and accurate they are.]

(Source: memosfromcoulson)

[Submitted by: notsodarksoul

I would like to inform the creator of the superhero trading card game that has recently risen in popularity aboard this ship that, in real life, the ‘Firepower stat’ of the S.H.I.E.L.D Helicarrier vastly outranges that of U.N.I.T.’s Valiant. I would like to see this mistake corrected.

On a related note, Agent Coulson would like to inform all personnel that he is willing to trade a one-of-a-kind holographic Stark card for the rare issue Steve Rogers one that is rumored to exist.]