Memos From Fury

From the Desk of the Director

544 notes

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.
This means you. 
Loki.
In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil. 
Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.

This means you. 

Loki.

In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil. 

Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.

Filed under submission nick fury deadpool loki

307 notes

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

Filed under submission nick fury deadpool loki

225 notes

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Filed under submission nick fury iron man deadpool loki

799 notes

Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.

Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.

I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.

Filed under submission loki

933 notes

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

Filed under submission deadpool

447 notes

No matter what Mr. Stark says, Friday is NOT the international holiday “Iron Man Christmas”. 
No agents will be given vacation or sick days on Friday so you can go see Mr. Stark’s new movie.
And to answer your questions now, yes, I have seen the movie - it was good, but could’ve used more of Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

No matter what Mr. Stark says, Friday is NOT the international holiday “Iron Man Christmas”. 

No agents will be given vacation or sick days on Friday so you can go see Mr. Stark’s new movie.

And to answer your questions now, yes, I have seen the movie - it was good, but could’ve used more of Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

Filed under submission iron man

114 notes

moreagaara asked: In regards to your most recent memo, are we allowed to show Loki, say, Game of Thrones in order to see which house he most identifies with?

Are you suggesting we allow a situation that will make Loki deeply consider the matter of family?

546 notes

All personnel are asked to refrain from giving Loki any form of current media on the grounds of “we wanted to see what ideas he would get”. Should any agent be discovered doing so, they shall be given Loki-sitting duty for a month.
On a related note, Agents Barton and Wilson, Dr. Banner, and Mr. Stark have until Noon today to get every last Tribble, Mogwai, Fizzgig, and other assorted critters off my boat. Failure in this task will result in the four of them being locked in Loki’s quarters, and Loki shall be given copies of both Hostel films and all movies in the Saw series.
Good luck.

All personnel are asked to refrain from giving Loki any form of current media on the grounds of “we wanted to see what ideas he would get”. Should any agent be discovered doing so, they shall be given Loki-sitting duty for a month.

On a related note, Agents Barton and Wilson, Dr. Banner, and Mr. Stark have until Noon today to get every last Tribble, Mogwai, Fizzgig, and other assorted critters off my boat. Failure in this task will result in the four of them being locked in Loki’s quarters, and Loki shall be given copies of both Hostel films and all movies in the Saw series.

Good luck.

Filed under submission

188 notes

Loki and Ms. Lewis are to cease using the PA system to blast “Slytherin Night" under the pretense of expressing their house pride. They are also to stop trying to convince the junior agents to emulate the song lyrics. Encouraging them is detrimental to productivity and general mental health.

Loki and Ms. Lewis are to cease using the PA system to blast “Slytherin Night" under the pretense of expressing their house pride. They are also to stop trying to convince the junior agents to emulate the song lyrics. Encouraging them is detrimental to productivity and general mental health.

Filed under submission loki

23 notes

evolutionarypsyche asked: So far in my reading it's obvious this site ships Thorki. Will my asks or memos be accepted if I ship Loki (either of them I suppose but I really want to know about Loki) with someone else?

((I’m actually a new mod and I decidedly do NOT ship Thorki myself- to be honest, it skeeves me out pretty badly- so please, by all means, go ahead!))