Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence.
As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.
If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.
Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.
I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.
Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.
No matter what Mr. Stark says, Friday is NOT the international holiday “Iron Man Christmas”.
No agents will be given vacation or sick days on Friday so you can go see Mr. Stark’s new movie.
And to answer your questions now, yes, I have seen the movie - it was good, but could’ve used more of Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.
All personnel are asked to refrain from giving Loki any form of current media on the grounds of “we wanted to see what ideas he would get”. Should any agent be discovered doing so, they shall be given Loki-sitting duty for a month.
On a related note, Agents Barton and Wilson, Dr. Banner, and Mr. Stark have until Noon today to get every last Tribble, Mogwai, Fizzgig, and other assorted critters off my boat. Failure in this task will result in the four of them being locked in Loki’s quarters, and Loki shall be given copies of both Hostel films and all movies in the Saw series.
Loki and Ms. Lewis are to cease using the PA system to blast “Slytherin Night" under the pretense of expressing their house pride. They are also to stop trying to convince the junior agents to emulate the song lyrics. Encouraging them is detrimental to productivity and general mental health.
Be advised that “You’ll never see me coming” is NOT an acceptable
RSVP response to Mr. Stark’s office party invitation.
S.H.I.E.L.D. is not responsible for any outbursts of
“good old fashioned revenge” that this the use of this phrase
triggers on the part of Mr. Stark.
Let it be known that S.H.I.E.L.D. Command does not condone the actions of last Saturday evening.
While the Director appreciates that members of the Avengers Initiative, wished to help him celebrate his birthday, we cannot condone the waste of manpower, and time that was required to remove the Director’s personal fighter from the ceiling of the landing bay.
We appreciate that Alaska is considered the duct-tape capital of the world, but several manufacturers are now scrambling to cover the sudden surge of orders in the state, thanks to this prank.
While we are sure that State of Alaska appreciates the sudden influx of S.H.I.E.L.D. funds and personnel, we have assured them that nothing like this will ever be allowed to happen again.
If Mr Stark has any questions on this matter, he should be refered directly to Directory Fury’s office.We have been assured that Director Fury has been taking the anti-psychotics that were prescribed by Doctor Banner, and that the green tinge to his skin is a normal side-effect of this treatment.