Memos From Fury

From the Desk of the Director

1,217 notes

Whoever sent 64 paternity suit letters to Mr. Stark as a Father’s Day present needs to identify themselves to me immediately.
There will be no disciplinary action. I just need to know where to send the fruit basket.

Whoever sent 64 paternity suit letters to Mr. Stark as a Father’s Day present needs to identify themselves to me immediately.


There will be no disciplinary action. I just need to know where to send the fruit basket.

Filed under submission nick fury iron man

31 notes

amadbiteylady asked: Director? My Doctor seems to have disappeared again... He wouldn't happen to be wandering your halls, would he? Also, you may wish to keep an eye on your sprinkler system. Glitter wrecks havoc among processors.

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I’ll tell the IT team to brace themselves in case of incident. In the meantime, I’ve got two agents who thought it would be a good time to introduce Loki to the concept of phone spoofing. I’m sure they’d be happy to find him for you.

In the meantime, keep a better eye on your damn Doctor!

Filed under amadbiteylady

115 notes

Sir-
It would seem that all the printers in the building will only print pages saying: “All work and no play makes Fury a dull boy”. IT says they can’t find anything wrong with the system. We would very much appreciate it if whichever Avenger is involved would fix it ASAP. We already have a backlog of reports that will take the better part of the holiday weekend to reprint.

Sir-

It would seem that all the printers in the building will only print pages saying: “All work and no play makes Fury a dull boy”. IT says they can’t find anything wrong with the system. We would very much appreciate it if whichever Avenger is involved would fix it ASAP. We already have a backlog of reports that will take the better part of the holiday weekend to reprint.

Filed under submission nick fury

526 notes

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.
This means you. 
Loki.
In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil. 
Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.

I do not care if Agent Wilson is annoying, he is a SHIELD Agent, not ‘an infinitely resuable sacrifice to the Allfather’ for Summer Solstice, Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. I don’t care if he says its okay with him, its not okay with me.

This means you. 

Loki.

In related news, Loki’s pointy objects privileges have been revoked after this incident and another one involving Agent Wilson and a pencil. 

Whoever showed Loki ‘The Dark Knight’ is sentenced to being new handler for the Young Avengers.

Filed under submission nick fury deadpool loki

291 notes

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

If you willingly offer yourself as Assistant to Loki as part of his magic act in the ‘SHIELD Got’s Talent’ show, any injuries will not be covered under the SHIELD Health Policy, as this comes under ‘Flagrant Acts of Dumbassery’ clause which rules all claims to medical assistance and compensation invalid.

If you survive long enough to claim health coverage, you will be forced to submit to both an IQ test and a psychiatric evaluation. You are either too dumb to work for SHIELD or insane enough to be classed in the same category of insanity as Agent Wilson.

Filed under submission nick fury deadpool loki

219 notes

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Whoever convinced Mr Stark and Hercules to hold a ‘who is the biggest stud’ competition based on past conquests is to be sentenced to a month of Loki and/or Deadpool sitting. The reasoning for this is because a reasonable debate changed when Mr Stark hacked into the Helicarrier’s systems and downloaded several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring his sexual escapades on the SHIELD bank account as evidence. 

As a result, I am now getting porn adverts, computer viruses and offers of counselling from the government every time I turn on my computer.

If whoever is behind it does not own up, they will be given to Loki as a test subject. I am not pleased.

Filed under submission nick fury iron man deadpool loki

790 notes

Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.

Loki would like to know who is responsible for giving him a new saddle and bridle for Mother’s Day.

I would personally discourage anyone from coming forward as you will probably end up wearing it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

P.S. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not liable for any medical costs resulting from you being into that sort of thing.

Filed under submission loki

924 notes

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

Agent Wilson, this is your one and only warning - return our stationery, or I can personally guarantee you will never see chimichangas for the rest of your life.

Filed under submission deadpool

444 notes

No matter what Mr. Stark says, Friday is NOT the international holiday “Iron Man Christmas”. 
No agents will be given vacation or sick days on Friday so you can go see Mr. Stark’s new movie.
And to answer your questions now, yes, I have seen the movie - it was good, but could’ve used more of Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

No matter what Mr. Stark says, Friday is NOT the international holiday “Iron Man Christmas”. 

No agents will be given vacation or sick days on Friday so you can go see Mr. Stark’s new movie.

And to answer your questions now, yes, I have seen the movie - it was good, but could’ve used more of Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

Filed under submission iron man

109 notes

moreagaara asked: In regards to your most recent memo, are we allowed to show Loki, say, Game of Thrones in order to see which house he most identifies with?

Are you suggesting we allow a situation that will make Loki deeply consider the matter of family?